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1 - Otter & Flapjack: An Introduction
April 4, 2016
Actual Conversations With My Kids makes its online debut today with comic #001. This will be the only comic to break the "100% verbatim transcript" rule, as we introduce the characters and explain the premise. Join us back here on Wednesday for the next installment.
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2 - Heroics
April 6, 2016
Roald Dahl's great children's book Danny, the Champion of the World concludes with the author's urgent advice to his readers:
Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my child's vivid fantasy life or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show. But I certainly lay down on the job on this particular day, a day my bone-tiredness bumped up against Otter's indefatigable imagination.
But you know what? I bet there were days that even Roald Dahl sacked out on the sofa rather than conjure up another beloved children's classic.
Regardless, this is Actual Conversations With My Kids #002 for your amusement. We'll see you back here on Monday.
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When you grow up and have children of your own, do please remember something important. A stodgy parent is no fun at all! What a child wants — and DESERVES — is a parent who is SPARKY!
Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my child's vivid fantasy life or whether that station will be held by anybody else, these pages must show. But I certainly lay down on the job on this particular day, a day my bone-tiredness bumped up against Otter's indefatigable imagination.
But you know what? I bet there were days that even Roald Dahl sacked out on the sofa rather than conjure up another beloved children's classic.
Regardless, this is Actual Conversations With My Kids #002 for your amusement. We'll see you back here on Monday.
3 - Back Matter
April 11, 2016
My children are both natural born arguers, but their styles differ. Otter is a debater, crafting arguments and counter-arguments and counter-counter arguments until he's exhausted you. Flapjack, on the other hand, is just stubbornly contrary. (Our longest-standing disagreement, which has run for eight years now, is simply this: Me - "It was a stick!" / Flapjack - "It was a turtle!" Repeat.) Nevertheless, in this contrariness sometimes lies brilliance, as in this exchange, Actual Conversations With My Kids #003.
We'll see you back here on Wednesday for the next installment.
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We'll see you back here on Wednesday for the next installment.
4 - Discriminating Palate
April 13, 2016
Some Actual Conversations With My Kids are complete non sequiturs, and no amount of context will explain them or help them to make more sense. For Conversations #004, all I can tell you is this: Otter loves ninjas.
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5 - Subjective Humor
April 18, 2016
With both of my kids, I often indulge in smart-ass, over-their-heads humor designed to amuse only me. They wisely ignore such indulgences, as evidenced in Actual Conversations With My Kids #005.
For historical context, this exchange took place during the 2007—08 Writers Guild of America strike. Negotiators for the striking writers reached a tentative agreement the day after this conversation occurred. (I have no doubt that Flapjack's tuna joke was the turning point.)
For historical context, this exchange took place during the 2007—08 Writers Guild of America strike. Negotiators for the striking writers reached a tentative agreement the day after this conversation occurred. (I have no doubt that Flapjack's tuna joke was the turning point.)
6 - Shopping List
April 20, 2016
Everyone has their own little quirks. One of the joys of parenthood is discovering your children's.
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7 - Rhetorical Question
April 25, 2016
Many have asked me what Flapjack's response to this was. "It was a rhetorical question," I remind them (see title). Nevertheless, they still press for Flapjack' response. The truth is, Flapjack did not express an opinion on the matter one way or another, despite having one, I'm sure.
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8 - Career Planning
April 27, 2016
9 - The Worrier
May 2, 2016
In my original description of Actual Conversations With My Kids, I wrote that because these comics are verbatim transcripts, "they don't always have the setup-punchline rhythm of regular comic strips." Here's an example of one such conversation, which doesn't so much have a punchline as a bittersweet coda.
This conversation, which occurred when Otter was five, was indicative of an overwhelming anxiety that had overtaken him at the time. ("The worrier" in the title of today's comic is Otter, but it's also me.) Around that same time, I had to take him to the doctor because he'd been peeing a lot — like every 15 minutes or so. We had to go into the bathroom to collect a urine sample. Above the sink, there was a cabinet, and Otter was curious what was in it. So I opened the cabinet to reveal shelf after shelf of empty specimen cups. Mystery solved.
Later, as we waited in the examination room for the doctor, Otter became increasingly agitated about the fact that we had looked in the cabinet, afraid that the staff would be angry at him. "Can you just tell the doctor we did that," he begged me. "I don't want them to be mad at me." I kept trying to calm him down, to assure him that no one would care if we had looked in the cabinet, that everything was okay.
Finally, in exasperation, Otter said (and I quote): "Look, Dad. Maybe when I'm older, I won't have these issues. But for right now, I do. So can you please just tell the doctor we looked in the cabinet?"
Troubling, yes. But I also couldn't help but marvel at the sophistication of his syntax and thought processes. For a 5-year-old, he sure as heck didn't always sound like a 5-year-old.
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This conversation, which occurred when Otter was five, was indicative of an overwhelming anxiety that had overtaken him at the time. ("The worrier" in the title of today's comic is Otter, but it's also me.) Around that same time, I had to take him to the doctor because he'd been peeing a lot — like every 15 minutes or so. We had to go into the bathroom to collect a urine sample. Above the sink, there was a cabinet, and Otter was curious what was in it. So I opened the cabinet to reveal shelf after shelf of empty specimen cups. Mystery solved.
Later, as we waited in the examination room for the doctor, Otter became increasingly agitated about the fact that we had looked in the cabinet, afraid that the staff would be angry at him. "Can you just tell the doctor we did that," he begged me. "I don't want them to be mad at me." I kept trying to calm him down, to assure him that no one would care if we had looked in the cabinet, that everything was okay.
Finally, in exasperation, Otter said (and I quote): "Look, Dad. Maybe when I'm older, I won't have these issues. But for right now, I do. So can you please just tell the doctor we looked in the cabinet?"
Troubling, yes. But I also couldn't help but marvel at the sophistication of his syntax and thought processes. For a 5-year-old, he sure as heck didn't always sound like a 5-year-old.
10 - Psychic Daddy
May 4, 2016
I like to think that with age comes a certain amount of wisdom. I may not know much, but I sure know enough to answer a softball question like the one Flapjack poses to me in today's comic.
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11 - Parental Advisory
May 9, 2016
Sometimes my kids just crack me up, but they're being so serious, I have to crack up on the inside. This was one of those times.
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12 - Heads Up
May 11, 2016
When my wife and I were first married, we would talk in bed late into the night, my wife gradually shouldering more and more of the conversational load, my responses getting shorter and shorter, until at some point she realized that I had fallen asleep, and that she'd been engaging in a monologue rather than a dialogue.
Otter inherited my wife's ability to monologue. We don't necessarily have to be be asleep (although sometimes we are). Lots of times, he won't even wait for a response from us. He'll just say what he has to say and then keep on truckin'.
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Otter inherited my wife's ability to monologue. We don't necessarily have to be be asleep (although sometimes we are). Lots of times, he won't even wait for a response from us. He'll just say what he has to say and then keep on truckin'.
13 - Pwned
May 16, 2016
I just want to tell you — for the record — that this was the first time I was ever verbally outwitted by Flapjack, who was four friggin' years old, for crying out loud. I really want to tell you that. For the record. I do.
But it would be a shameful lie if I did.
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But it would be a shameful lie if I did.
14 - Planned Obsolescence
May 18, 2016
Pop culture just keeps rolling along, even if we stop paying attention to certain aspects of it. And it's not just music, is it? It's books and TV shows and movies and games and... well, it just goes on and on. It's weird and occasionally startling. (Wait, when did they cancel "The Mentalist"?)
With some exceptions, rock music is frozen for me, like a mosquito trapped in amber, in the late '80s/early '90s, when I was in my 20s and had the time and disposable income to invest in the music of Nirvana, Weezer, Beck, Juliana Hatfield, Cracker, Whiskeytown, Belly, The Goo Goo Dolls (really, their early stuff was great), Hüsker Dü, The Lemonheads, and Paul Westerberg — none of whom interests my kid in the slightest.
Pop culture's insistence on continuing without my participation feels to me a little like what death must be like. The whole world just keeps going on without you, taking little notice of your absence.
But even in "death," it's easy enough to entomb yourself in the entertainment ephemera of your youth, fooling yourself that you're still among the hip, with-it, youthful target demo.
Unless you have a 12-year-old around to remind you that you're not.
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With some exceptions, rock music is frozen for me, like a mosquito trapped in amber, in the late '80s/early '90s, when I was in my 20s and had the time and disposable income to invest in the music of Nirvana, Weezer, Beck, Juliana Hatfield, Cracker, Whiskeytown, Belly, The Goo Goo Dolls (really, their early stuff was great), Hüsker Dü, The Lemonheads, and Paul Westerberg — none of whom interests my kid in the slightest.
Pop culture's insistence on continuing without my participation feels to me a little like what death must be like. The whole world just keeps going on without you, taking little notice of your absence.
But even in "death," it's easy enough to entomb yourself in the entertainment ephemera of your youth, fooling yourself that you're still among the hip, with-it, youthful target demo.
Unless you have a 12-year-old around to remind you that you're not.
15 - The Captain Kirk Gambit
May 23, 2016
I don't spend enough time on these pages praising the work of artist Liv Wisely, who toils tirelessly to bring these conversations to life on the page (or rather, the screen). This project literally would not exist without her boundless imagination, enthusiasm, and talent.
Today's comic features an artist's "extra," a bonus joke that sprang directly from the mind of Ms. Wisely — an embellishment, if you will, to the conversation depicted above.
For an added treat, move your cursor over the below panel (or, if you're reading this on your phone, tap it with your finger).
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Today's comic features an artist's "extra," a bonus joke that sprang directly from the mind of Ms. Wisely — an embellishment, if you will, to the conversation depicted above.
For an added treat, move your cursor over the below panel (or, if you're reading this on your phone, tap it with your finger).
16 - Conceding the Point
May 25, 2016
Some of my favorite Conversations With My Kids are the conversations in which I didn't even participate, but merely overheard. Like this one. Flapjack is the animal expert in the family, and is full of fascinating (and sometimes disgusting) facts about our furry and scaly and feathered friends.
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17 - Frenemies
May 30, 2016
What cannot be conveyed in comics form is the world-weariness Otter exuded in those three sentences, as if the weight of this long war was bearing down on his very soul. I wish you could have heard it.
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18 - Best-Laid Plans
June 1, 2016
Today's comic is a reminder to me why I wanted to create this project in the first place. Even now, I'm astonished that a 7-year-old, upon falling down so spectacularly, would come up with this quip. This is just too good not to share.
It's also one of the many, many reasons why I love my family so damned much.
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It's also one of the many, many reasons why I love my family so damned much.
19 - Daddy's Hilarious
June 6, 2016
As I've mentioned previously, my kids make me laugh pretty darned often. But sometimes — okay, also pretty often — I make myself (and only myself) laugh.
Maybe someday, Otter and Flapjack will look back at these moments and appreciate my awesome humor.
But probably not.
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Maybe someday, Otter and Flapjack will look back at these moments and appreciate my awesome humor.
But probably not.
20 - Teachable Moment
June 8, 2016
There are many sources of Flapjack's vast knowledge of animal lore — books, magazines, TV documentaries, etc. I'm not sure where this particular tidbit came from, but a quick Google search reveals that it's quite accurate.
21 - Smart-Ass Central
June 13, 2016
Even when I'm mad at the kids, they're capable of crafting a zinger that I can't help but admire.
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22 - Our Little Ionesco
June 15, 2016
Otter's imaginative play has always had elements of abstract, free-form experimentation. Mostly, we just roll with it, but I'm not sure I could accurately explain or summarize the plot of this particular puppet show, even though I did sit through all of it. I felt like the one guy in the graduate school class who simply isn't "getting" the deeper meaning of the piece — which is to say, it felt like every graduate school class I ever attended.
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23 - Socks
June 20, 2016
I'm amazed by the disparity between the sense of urgency I feel in the morning as I get the kids ready for school and the sense of urgency they feel during that same time. I run around like a madman, waging an epic battle against the clock. My children, on the other hand, will take time out for a leisurely science experiment: Can you effectively put on your socks by throwing them up in the air and letting them land on the floor next to you? Answer: No. No, you cannot.
By the way: If my head were visible in this comic, you'd see that it was exploding.
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By the way: If my head were visible in this comic, you'd see that it was exploding.
24 - Actual Emails
June 22, 2016
I don't think there will ever be a generation that isn't confounded by how the next generation uses technology.
(Incidentally, the images of Otter's emails are from actual screenshots of the emails in question, doctored by Liv to conceal the identifying details.)
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(Incidentally, the images of Otter's emails are from actual screenshots of the emails in question, doctored by Liv to conceal the identifying details.)
25 - If You See Something, Say Something
June 27, 2016
Sometimes, as a parent, you come across something that should by all rights be cause for concern. Questions should be asked. Action should be taken. Clearly.
But sometimes, as a parent, you just decide: You know what? I don't want to know. I'm just going to leave this one alone.
That's all right, isn't it?
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But sometimes, as a parent, you just decide: You know what? I don't want to know. I'm just going to leave this one alone.
That's all right, isn't it?
26 - Single Source of Truth
June 29, 2016
So, look: Having grown up in Massachusetts, I actually do know who invented basketball, but I couldn't resist the dad joke.
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27 - Independence Day
July 4, 2016
In honor of the Fourth of July, we bring you this holiday-appropriate conversation from Flapjack's toddlerhood.
Soon after this exchange occurred, I relayed it to a historian friend of mine, who cautioned: "Introducing the founding fathers and freedom to [Flapjack] sounds a little bit like the British Empire setting up all those colonial schools in India and teaching students about John Locke and the Glorious Revolution. You can't put that genie back in the bottle. You eventually get Gandhi." (I'll keep you posted.)
Holiday Bonus
Moved by the patriotic fervor of this conversation, artist Liv Wisely has crafted another "artist's extra." Check it out:
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Soon after this exchange occurred, I relayed it to a historian friend of mine, who cautioned: "Introducing the founding fathers and freedom to [Flapjack] sounds a little bit like the British Empire setting up all those colonial schools in India and teaching students about John Locke and the Glorious Revolution. You can't put that genie back in the bottle. You eventually get Gandhi." (I'll keep you posted.)
Holiday Bonus
Moved by the patriotic fervor of this conversation, artist Liv Wisely has crafted another "artist's extra." Check it out:
28 - Fair (Trade) Question
July 6, 2016
29 - Language Lesson
July 11, 2016
Here's the thing about being hilarious: A lot of the time, I'm the only one who understands just how hilarious I am, but that's usually enough for me.
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30 - All the Way to China
July 13, 2016
It probably says something about my parenting that I didn't follow up on this exchange in any way.
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31 - Daddy the Hero
July 18, 2016
I have an unusual arrangement with artist Liv Wisely in that we live on opposite coasts and we've never actually met in person. The way it works is, I provide every word of the transcripts, but the images you see here are entirely the product of Liv's imagination.
Which is to say that if you see me depicted above wearing underwear outside my pants, it doesn't necessarily mean that I actually wore underwear outside my pants.
I mean, I'm not saying I didn't wear underwear outside my pants. But I'm not saying I did either.
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Which is to say that if you see me depicted above wearing underwear outside my pants, it doesn't necessarily mean that I actually wore underwear outside my pants.
I mean, I'm not saying I didn't wear underwear outside my pants. But I'm not saying I did either.
32 - Common Core
July 20, 2016
A sobering realization to have when your child is six, but what are you going to do?
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33 - True Colors
July 25, 2016
Otter subscribes to the theory, "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have."
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34 - Oh, the Horrors I Have Seen
July 27, 2016
Many "Actual Conversations With My Kids" are in reality actual overheard conversations between my kids, and those are some of the best conversations of all.
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35 - (Bad) Words With Friends
August 1, 2016
I don't have much to say about this incident, but I am reminded of the following quote, from Neil Simon's great script for The Odd Couple:
Man, I only wish I could write a joke that good.
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I can't take it anymore, Felix. I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar!
Man, I only wish I could write a joke that good.
36 - Cool Cats
August 3, 2016
37 - A One-in-a-Melon Kid
August 8, 2016
Otter has always loved baths, takes one almost every day. But Flapjack has to be cajoled, coaxed, and/or coerced. With Flapjack, every bath is an event.
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38 - Science Lesson
August 10, 2016
I've said it before and I'll say it again: The conversations overheard between my kids are some of my favorite conversations of all.
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39 - Lucky Guess
August 15, 2016
It really didn't seem like Flapjack was trying to be a smart-ass here. That was an actual guess. And to be fair, it's not wrong.
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40 - Water, Water, Everywhere
August 17, 2016
The title of today's comic comes from The Rime of the Ancient Mariner by Samuel Taylor Coleridge:
Classy stuff, to be sure, but back to the comic: That Flapjack. What a smart-ass, right? I don't know where that comes from.
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Water, water, everywhere,
And all the boards did shrink
Water, water, everywhere,
Nor any drop to drink.
And all the boards did shrink
Water, water, everywhere,
Nor any drop to drink.
Classy stuff, to be sure, but back to the comic: That Flapjack. What a smart-ass, right? I don't know where that comes from.
41 - Kids Are Scary
August 22, 2016
Sometimes I feel like I'm raising supervillains. (This has come up before.) But, you know, if they're happy, I'm happy.
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42 - Snappy Answers to…
August 24, 2016
Never let it be said that my children can't detect sarcasm. Lord knows, they get plenty of practice.
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43 - Flapjack's Soliloquy
August 29, 2016
Flapjack had no idea anyone was listening to this rumination on grown ups. I was in the other room, and I have to say: Liv has quite accurately portrayed the rapid-fire mood shifts that accompanied this monologue.
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44 - Mea Culpa
August 31, 2016
I've asserted many times that my kids' vocabulary doesn't always reflect their actual ages, but even so, it's still startling to hear one of them use a word like "misspoke."
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45 - That's Entertainment
September 5, 2016
More artist's embellishments from Liv Wisely, imagining a stage setting for Flapjack, who in real life was scrounging up breakfast in the kitchen, improvising this little ditty, completely unaware I was listening.
(The pajamas are 100% true to life, however.)
I'd also like to add that I love it when my kids break into song about whatever's going on in their lives at the moment. I absolutely love it.
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(The pajamas are 100% true to life, however.)
I'd also like to add that I love it when my kids break into song about whatever's going on in their lives at the moment. I absolutely love it.
46 - Ipso Facto
September 7, 2016
47 - Holy Awkwardness, Batman!
September 12, 2016
48 - Irrefutable Logic
September 14, 2016
49 - Loophole
September 19, 2016
50 - Hail Fellow Well Met
September 21, 2016
One of the many things I love about my kids is the sense of wonder they still feel at things you and I take for granted, or even get annoyed by. The next time you're caught in a hailstorm, think of Flapjack and take a moment to marvel at those icy pebbles falling from the sky.
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51 - Career Opportunity
September 26, 2016
That was last year. This year, Otter wants to be a toy inventor. But if he changes his mind back, I have no doubt my boy will rise to the very top of the profession.
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52 - A Gift for Idiom
September 28, 2016
We instilled in our kids early on a fascination with words — their meanings and origins — and a deep love of wordplay. That's something I've never regretted.
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53 - Spencer Tunick Photo Shoots Excepted
October 3, 2016
Over the years, there have been so many odd conversations in the car. So, so many.
(Hey, look: There's artist Liv Wisely in the corner of the final panel. Hi, Liv!)
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(Hey, look: There's artist Liv Wisely in the corner of the final panel. Hi, Liv!)
54 - Top Five
October 5, 2016
Flapjack's highly specific culinary tastes (some might say pickiness, but not I) intersects with a love of listing and categorizing.
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55 - Stealth
October 10, 2016
Otter was delighted by this subterfuge. "They didn't know we had our own candy with us," he said, grinning hugely as we exited the theater. "But I knew!"
And then later, he declared: "When I get big, I want to be just like you and know how to hide candy in my sock when I go to the movies with my kids."
Doesn't that just warm your heart? It warmed mine. But I need to cherish it while I can. Because before too long, he'll be mortified by such behavior.
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And then later, he declared: "When I get big, I want to be just like you and know how to hide candy in my sock when I go to the movies with my kids."
Doesn't that just warm your heart? It warmed mine. But I need to cherish it while I can. Because before too long, he'll be mortified by such behavior.
56 - Career Advisory
October 12, 2016
To be fair, I really don't think Flapjack was trying to be a smart-ass here, but just genuinely seemed to think that the criteria that had met.
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57 - Medical Drama
October 17, 2016
58 - Feel the Love
October 19, 2016
59 - Pay It Forward
October 24, 2016
They say you pass your values on to your children, but it's rare to see those values manifest themselves so directly.
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60 - Special Delivery
October 26, 2016
We have always told our children not to be shy about communicating with their parents.
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61 - Pwned Part 2
October 31, 2016
Back in Pwned Part 1, I copped to the fact that it wasn't the first time Flapjack had verbally outwitted me. Today's comic is a prequel of sorts, documenting a conversation that took place 17 days earlier. And no, even this one isn't the first time Flapjack verbally outwitted me.
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62 - Our Little Patrick Henry
November 2, 2016
In my remarks below Actual Conversations #27, I noted that a historian friend of mine had warned me against introducing the founding fathers and freedom to the children, lest we spark a rebellion. Her warning wasn't heeded, and it did prove prescient.
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64 - Daddy's Still Hilarious
November 9, 2016
For people of a certain age, the obvious precedent for my clowning around here is this classic scene from the sitcom "Taxi." After I had my fun with Flapjack, I pulled up that particular episode, and I'm here to tell you: The bit still works. Nearly 40 years later, it still works like gangbusters.
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65 - Self-Evident
November 14, 2016
66 - Pet Talk
November 16, 2016
The very night this conversation occurred, we went on the Humane Society web site and found an adult cat up for adoption who was already named "Dog." Yeah, we figured it was kismet. (Seven years later, Dog is still with us.)
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67 - Inflation
November 21, 2016
This one goes out to all the parents out there who have had to resort to bribery to get their kids to eat. Which is to say, it goes out to all parents out there.
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68 - Brave New World
November 23, 2016
The title of today's comic comes from Shakespeare's "The Tempest," but it was most famously appropriated by Aldous Huxley for the title of his 1931 dystopian novel about the dehumanizing effects of technology. Six years later, in his essay collection "Ends and Means," Huxley wrote: "Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means for going backwards."
All of which is to say that I'm not sure whether to be impressed or depressed that my kid was using PowerPoint at age 7, but I'm pretty sure I know what Aldous Huxley would have thought.
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All of which is to say that I'm not sure whether to be impressed or depressed that my kid was using PowerPoint at age 7, but I'm pretty sure I know what Aldous Huxley would have thought.
69 - Deductive Reasoning
November 28, 2016
70 - Wait for It
November 30, 2016
One of the many joys of family is the accumulation of insider jokes and references, quips whose humor would require extensive explanations to outsiders but is instantly grasped by those in the know.
Many years ago, around the time my wife and I were first dating, we were at a party, where we were teamed with a fellow (I never saw him before, and I've never seen him since) for a game of Trivial Pursuit. For every single question we got, he would ask for the question to be repeated, asserting fervently every single time: "Sometimes, the answer is in the question."
Okay, sometimes, every once in a while, that's true (e.g. What were the surnames of the three men hanged at Greenberry Hill, London?). But far more often, the question is completely straightforward, like: List three European countries that begin with the letter A. There's really nothing to be gleaned from further recitation. Still, this guy insisted that every single question, even the most straightforward, be repeated multiple times.
To this day, upon encountering some imponderable inquiry, my wife or I will say to the other, "Sometimes, the answer is in the question," which still cracks us both up.
The above comic illustrates a rare instance in which the phrase made perfect sense in context and could still be funny to people not privy to the history. How sweet is that?
Site business: We'll be taking December off, but new comics will return in January. Happy holidays!
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Many years ago, around the time my wife and I were first dating, we were at a party, where we were teamed with a fellow (I never saw him before, and I've never seen him since) for a game of Trivial Pursuit. For every single question we got, he would ask for the question to be repeated, asserting fervently every single time: "Sometimes, the answer is in the question."
Okay, sometimes, every once in a while, that's true (e.g. What were the surnames of the three men hanged at Greenberry Hill, London?). But far more often, the question is completely straightforward, like: List three European countries that begin with the letter A. There's really nothing to be gleaned from further recitation. Still, this guy insisted that every single question, even the most straightforward, be repeated multiple times.
To this day, upon encountering some imponderable inquiry, my wife or I will say to the other, "Sometimes, the answer is in the question," which still cracks us both up.
The above comic illustrates a rare instance in which the phrase made perfect sense in context and could still be funny to people not privy to the history. How sweet is that?
Site business: We'll be taking December off, but new comics will return in January. Happy holidays!
71 - Going Rogue
December 15, 2016 ** BONUS COMIC **
We're breaking our December hiatus just this once to celebrate the release of Rogue One, the stand-alone Star Wars movie featuring an appearance by everybody's favorite Sith Lord. We'll see you at the theater this weekend, and back here with all-new comics in January!
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72 - Our Little Magritte
(Ceci n'est pas une nuage.)
January 16, 2017
Happy New Year and welcome back. We're kicking off 2017 with a keenly precise observation from young Flapjack.
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73 - Technicality
January 18, 2017
74 - Timing Is Everything
January 23, 2017
What I love about this one is that even when annoyed, Flapjack still acknowledges the fundamental principles of comedy.
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75 - These Are the Moments They'll Treasure
January 25, 2017
Any parent will tell you that as much as they love their kids, kids can be a real pain in the butt sometimes. But that's okay, because sometimes, and mostly for our own amusement, parents get to be a real pain in the butt right back.
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76 - The Sincerest Form of Flattery
January 30, 2017
77 - Conversational Jujitsu
February 1, 2017
Remember when I stated (like, two days ago) that I love it when our conversations take a turn for the nonsensical? Well, sometimes it can be a little exhausting.
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78 - Explicit Content Warning
February 6, 2017
I can report that in the seven years since this conversation occurred, the kids' vocabulary has expanded dramatically.
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79 - Imaginative Play
February 8, 2017
80 - Contribution
February 13, 2017
For the record, the dinner I had made was a stir-fry, which (to be fair) didn't look all that different coming up than it had going down.
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81 - Nomenclature
February 15, 2017
I amuse myself far more often than I amuse my kids, but I have to say, they're remarkably patient with all my nonsense.
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82 - Brain Teaser
February 20, 2017
We sometimes attempt to use the Socratic method with our kids, asking a series questions to draw out ideas and stimulate critical thinking. But for the record, a tired, cranky four-year-old has no interest in participating in the Socratic method.
P.S. Shout-out to artist Liv Wisely for Otter's arm-waving exasperation in panel four. Simply delightful.
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P.S. Shout-out to artist Liv Wisely for Otter's arm-waving exasperation in panel four. Simply delightful.
83 - Duh
February 22, 2017
I swear, sometimes when I'm talking to my kids, I feel like I don't have enough sense to come in out of the rain.
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84 - Utensils
February 27, 2017
While this conversation undoubtedly demonstrates my smart-ass insistence on precision in all things, it also showcases Flapjack's ability to just roll with my general jackassery. That should come in handy later in life, right?
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85 - Textual Analysis
March 1, 2017
"Escape (The Piña Colada Song)" is almost 40 years old. I never realized that the songs of my youth would someday be oldies, but here we are.
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86 - When Life Hands You Lemons…
March 6, 2017
This conversation had me at a loss, but I pass it along for your amusement — because it amused me just as much as it confused me.
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87 - Jingle All the Way
March 8, 2017
88 - Tween Eye for the Dad Guy
March 13, 2017
Sadly enough, this was probably the only compliment I received on my appearance all day. (I'll take it.)
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89 - Woke Kids
March 15, 2017
That's how you know you're raising socially conscious kids who are willing to critique societal expectations regarding gender norms — when you overhear them discussing those issues on their own.
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90 - Spirit of Experimentation
March 20, 2017
You know what? Flapjack uttered this response to me with such guileless calm, I couldn't even be all that mad.
This comic is a sequel of sorts to Actual Conversations 023 - Socks, which took place the previous year and also found me battling the clock to get Flapjack out the door, only to be stymied by some darned socks (no pun intended).
Okay. I'll admit it: The pun was definitely intended.
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This comic is a sequel of sorts to Actual Conversations 023 - Socks, which took place the previous year and also found me battling the clock to get Flapjack out the door, only to be stymied by some darned socks (no pun intended).
Okay. I'll admit it: The pun was definitely intended.
91 - Innocence Lost
March 22, 2017
Charlotte's Web is a significant book in my life, in that it's the first chapter book I ever read all by myself. I was five years old, the same age Otter was when I read it to him. We read it over several bedtimes, a chapter or two a night.
On the night this conversation occurred, a Friday night, we had six chapters to go. I figured three chapters on Friday night, three on Saturday night. But after panel eight above, there would be no stopping. Otter was unwilling to put the book down for the evening until he had learned Charlotte's fate. I warned him that some sad parts might be coming, but he said he'd rather get the sad over with than feel sad the next day. Every few minutes, he muttered: "I hope Charlotte doesn't die."
This was Otter's first literary death — always a traumatic moment in any reader's life. Now, all these years later, Otter and Flapjack are hardened against such authorial manipulations. Recently, Otter noticed that the book Flapjack was reading had a dog on the cover, and the following conversation ensued:
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On the night this conversation occurred, a Friday night, we had six chapters to go. I figured three chapters on Friday night, three on Saturday night. But after panel eight above, there would be no stopping. Otter was unwilling to put the book down for the evening until he had learned Charlotte's fate. I warned him that some sad parts might be coming, but he said he'd rather get the sad over with than feel sad the next day. Every few minutes, he muttered: "I hope Charlotte doesn't die."
This was Otter's first literary death — always a traumatic moment in any reader's life. Now, all these years later, Otter and Flapjack are hardened against such authorial manipulations. Recently, Otter noticed that the book Flapjack was reading had a dog on the cover, and the following conversation ensued:
Otter: "You have to be careful with books about dogs."
Flapjack: "Yeah. They either get lost or they die."
Otter: "Or they get lost and then they die."
Flapjack: "They didn't even confirm Old Yeller had rabies. They just shot him."
Otter: "They had to. It's a book about a dog."
Flapjack: "Yeah. They either get lost or they die."
Otter: "Or they get lost and then they die."
Flapjack: "They didn't even confirm Old Yeller had rabies. They just shot him."
Otter: "They had to. It's a book about a dog."
92 - Rules of Engagement
March 27, 2017
There is apparently quite a culture around the game of Rochambeau (a.k.a. Rock-Paper-Scissors), and The World Rock Paper Scissors Association (WRPSA) boasts celebrities, tournaments, and deeply philosophical discussions on strategy.
Nevertheless, I have no doubt that many veteran RPSers would be baffled by the extra rules Otter and Flapjack have brought to the game. Several match-ups followed the one above, with various words/concepts pitted against each other (tai chi beats fire, lava beats sword, etc.).
I couldn't begin to parse all of Otter and Flapjack's enhancements, but I know one thing: No way does kung fu beat truck.
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Nevertheless, I have no doubt that many veteran RPSers would be baffled by the extra rules Otter and Flapjack have brought to the game. Several match-ups followed the one above, with various words/concepts pitted against each other (tai chi beats fire, lava beats sword, etc.).
I couldn't begin to parse all of Otter and Flapjack's enhancements, but I know one thing: No way does kung fu beat truck.
93 - Habeas Corpus
March 29, 2017
This one still makes me shudder. I'd rather put my hand on a live bear than a dead mouse. (Not really, but still: Yuck!)
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94 - Sliding Scale
April 3, 2017
There used to be a time when our kids would conk out early in the evening and my wife and I would have the rest of the night to ourselves. Those days are long gone.
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95 - Spidey Senses Tingling
April 5, 2017
While I suppose sensing danger is a pretty useful superpower, sensing Burger Kings seems decidedly less so. I mean, maybe it would come in handy if The Condiment King were running amok, but otherwise, there's an app for that.
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96 - Terms and Conditions
April 10, 2017
Why, yes, you do win something, Flapjack. You win the unconditional love of your parents, forever. I know, I know: You were hoping for an Xbox.
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97 - Greek to Me
April 12, 2017
This one should please my mother, who instilled in the kids a love of Greek mythology, and told them many of those stories over various vacations spent with her.
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98 - Future History
April 17, 2017
After you reach a certain age, every new year seems like it's out of a science fiction story. We're in 2017? Really? Where's my moon base? My replicant? My flying car? But for my kids, the 21st century is just the century they were born in, and anything that occurred before they were born is ancient history.
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99 - Branding
April 19, 2017
100 - Quest for Water: An Epic in One Act
May 1, 2017 ** OUR 100th COMIC **
To celebrate the big one-zero-zero, we bring you this super-sized actual conversation.
True confession: The fact that I was able to accurately transcribe what transpired in the first ten panels above proves that I had been playing possum, hearing Flapjack perfectly well, but hoping that my wife would wake up and deal with it. She didn't — which, you know, fair enough.
But after the events depicted here, I went back to bed myself and repeated to my wife the words Flapjack had just said to me ("No thanks! I'm not thirsty"). I provided no other context, but she laughed and laughed and laughed (well, we both did), which kind of proves that my wife had been playing possum herself.
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True confession: The fact that I was able to accurately transcribe what transpired in the first ten panels above proves that I had been playing possum, hearing Flapjack perfectly well, but hoping that my wife would wake up and deal with it. She didn't — which, you know, fair enough.
But after the events depicted here, I went back to bed myself and repeated to my wife the words Flapjack had just said to me ("No thanks! I'm not thirsty"). I provided no other context, but she laughed and laughed and laughed (well, we both did), which kind of proves that my wife had been playing possum herself.
101 - Justice Delayed Is Justice Denied
May 3, 2017
102 - Tracks in the Snow Part 1
May 8, 2017
For more than a decade now, I've been pretty diligent about documenting notable conversations with my kids (as evidenced by the very existence of this site). But as I pointed out in the first comic, this is a curated show. I'm picking and choosing the best and/or funniest conversations for Liv to illustrate. Obviously, many, many conversations with my kids are not preserved here, either because I didn't find them compelling enough or because I didn't think to write them down. Fortunately, my wife Kate was there to pick up the ball for this particular conversation, the first installment in a three-part epic that will conclude a week from today. She transcribed the above exchange, and the two that will follow. Thank you, love.
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103 - Tracks in the Snow Part 2
May 10, 2017
We've arrived at the second installment of the only three-part Actual Conversations With My Kids, which I guess makes the above comic The Empire Strikes Back of the "Tracks in the Snow" trilogy. (I'm pretty sure those aren't Tauntaun footprints, but we'll have to ask Flapjack to be sure.) Once again, thank you to my wife Kate for performing transcription duties on this one. Tune in on Monday for the exciting conclusion to "Tracks in the Snow"!
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104 - Tracks in the Snow Part 3
May 15, 2017
At last, we reach the finale of the epic "Tracks in the Snow" trilogy, which in this installment finds Flapjack and I debating the grammatical nuances of the irregular verb "swim." Thanks again to my wife Kate, who transcribed these conversations. As she was writing them down that evening, she asked Flapjack and me if we had reached a consensus in our swim vs. swum debate. "Swum," Flapjack glumly conceded. "It's swum."
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105 - Change of Heart
May 17, 2017
I admire Flapjack's ability to unashamedly change course on a dime after talking it through (or, in this case, ranting it through).
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107 - Deconstruction
May 24, 2017
I freely admit to borrowing this bit from an urban legend about a philosophy final exam. Regardless, it still killed. The kids loved it, despite their obvious exasperation, and they spent the rest of the evening trying to demonstrate to me that the chair did in fact exist — which it didn't.
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108 - Holiday Plans
May 29, 2017
In a comic last week, I was speculating about Otter's future career possibilities. This week, Otter has his own ideas. And I'm sorry, Otter, despite the fact that you immediately corrected yourself, I'm afraid I'll always call it the Ninja Bunny. #notsorry.
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109 - Linguistic Ambiguity
May 31, 2017
110 - Scatology
June 5, 2017
I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out. I'm not proud."
-Stephen King
-Stephen King
I've long thought that Stephen King's horror philosophy could be applied to comedy. To wit: If one cannot amuse via sophisticated wordplay or subtle humor, one is always free to go for the gross-out. Sure.
Flapjack obviously feels that way, or at least felt that way at age 7, as evidenced by the above comic. (Look, poop jokes are funny.) And just to show that I'm not always above such crudities, I'll relay the following incident that occurred four years later:
I was driving the kids somewhere, and they were being silly and annoying in equal measure in the backseat. "Shh," I advised them, and then I quoted Dr. Evil from Austin Powers: "Let me tell you a little story about a man named Shh! Shh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive 'shh!' Now, I have a whole bag of 'shh!' with your name on it."
"Daddy," Flapjack said, suddenly quiet and serious, "it sounded like you were going to say 'bag of shit.'"
At that point, I decided to go for broke, and (channeling my inner George Carlin), I said, somewhat philosophically: "Why would you have a bag of shit? What would you be doing with a bag of shit in the first place? Where would you get it? Would you squat over a bag and shit in it yourself? Or maybe you would take a lot of shit from someplace else and put it in a bag? Why would you do that? Would it be dog shit? Or people shit? Or a mix of shit?"
It went on in this vein for a short time, all the while the children becoming more and more apoplectic, wheezing and hyperventilating in hysterical laughter. I honestly don't believe I've ever seen either of them laugh so hard. "You have to stop," Otter finally managed to choke out. "I can't breathe!"
To quote Stephen King, "I'm not proud."
(But also, I'm a little proud.)
111 - Potty Talk
June 19 2017
We've touched on Otter's anxieties before. This is another example of the worry that can sometimes overtake him, to either heartbreaking or comic effect, depending on how you look at it.
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112 - Yielding the Floor
June 21, 2017
As Louis C.K. once said regarding his own kids, "I'm their first asshole."
By the way, my wife reports that Liv has uncannily captured what was undoubtedly the actual expression on her face in that final panel.
Speaking of that final panel, keep very close eye on it (so to speak), as it seems that Otter has developed a nervous twitch as a result of all my smart-assery.
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By the way, my wife reports that Liv has uncannily captured what was undoubtedly the actual expression on her face in that final panel.
Speaking of that final panel, keep very close eye on it (so to speak), as it seems that Otter has developed a nervous twitch as a result of all my smart-assery.
113 - Wibbly-Wobbly, Timey-Wimey… Stuff
June 26, 2017
I know what you're thinking: I should hoard pants now! Don't bother. After the Great Pants Shortage, they really do fall out of fashion.
UPDATE (2025): I'm actually in the year 2025 as I write this, and while there wasn't really a Great Pants Shortage of 2020, pants actually did kind of fall out of fashion during peak COVID isolation in 2020, when every Zoom meeting was a real Schrödinger's pants situation. Wait, is Jerry in Accounting not wearing any pants? Never mind. I don't want to know.
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UPDATE (2025): I'm actually in the year 2025 as I write this, and while there wasn't really a Great Pants Shortage of 2020, pants actually did kind of fall out of fashion during peak COVID isolation in 2020, when every Zoom meeting was a real Schrödinger's pants situation. Wait, is Jerry in Accounting not wearing any pants? Never mind. I don't want to know.
114 - Etymology
June 28, 2017
There are a lot of jokes, like the one above, that I make again and again over the years with only minor variations, amusing myself to no end. At 8 years old, Flapjack once reflected on a particular joke I had just made for about the thousandth time, remarking: "For a while, that was annoying. Now, it's starting to get funny."
And thus, laid bare my theory of comedy.
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And thus, laid bare my theory of comedy.
115 - Valedictory
July 3, 2017
Today's installment marks the final Actual Conversations With My Kids comic. Flapjack's remarks on life seem like a particularly thoughtful place to leave off, and I'm happy to give Flapjack the last word.
In real life, I'll (obviously) continue having conversations with my kids, conversations that move me, exasperate me, and amuse me no end, I'm sure. But as the kids wade into puberty, their need for privacy becomes more important, and I'll no longer be sharing these conversations with the world. Still, the web site will stay up as a kind-of scrapbook, a record of some of my favorite memories of their childhoods.
As is always the case at the end of a lengthy endeavor, there are people to thank and acknowledge. For example:
-Greg Tulonen
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In real life, I'll (obviously) continue having conversations with my kids, conversations that move me, exasperate me, and amuse me no end, I'm sure. But as the kids wade into puberty, their need for privacy becomes more important, and I'll no longer be sharing these conversations with the world. Still, the web site will stay up as a kind-of scrapbook, a record of some of my favorite memories of their childhoods.
As is always the case at the end of a lengthy endeavor, there are people to thank and acknowledge. For example:
- Artist Liv Wisely's boundless talent and indefatigable enthusiasm has kept this project alive for the past year and a half. It's been a joy collaborating with her.
- Michael Ray Wisely offered support and counsel for the duration of the project.
- Erin Gould introduced me to Liv in the first place, thus making this project possible.
- My wife, Kate Dionne, is my partner in this parenting adventure. I wouldn't want to do this with anyone else.
- Otter and Flapjack are a daily source of delight, whose wit and wisdom are the reason this project exists.
- And finally, thank you to you, the readers, for coming along with us. It's been a genuine pleasure sharing these conversations with you.
-Greg Tulonen